The past week was a hard week, very sad week for a good friend who lost her little brother in a tragic accident. 23 is too young to loose your life.
I don't handle death well and am very useless when it comes to providing support. I will do my best to be there and to show that I will do anything to support the person but at the same time I am one foot out the door.
I went to the viewing on Friday afternoon and the sadness was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
This was my second viewing ever and it was again open casket. I don't understand this as I think that it would make things even harder for the family to see their beloved laying there not to get up. A photo slide show played in the back. I didn't know him, but it made me extremely sad to the point that I was frozen in my seat unable to move. Perhaps it makes it easier for the family to say good bye and yet I would prefer to have the last memory of someone still running around smiling, not this sad sleep, simply gone to the world. Tradition is tradition and we all handle things in our own way. I will not have open casket for anybody.
I stayed for an hour and a half and had to leave. I made sure that my friend knew she can reach out to me at any time and I will be there, but I had to leave. I had to leave and distract myself in some mindless stupid ways. Everything becomes unimportant and trivial when a life is lost and yet I had to run out of there and do stupid senseless tasks. I feel really bad about this but sadness makes me shut down and run. It leaves me cold and I go to a place deep inside of me where I don't feel. I think this makes me a bad person because I should be better at providing support instead of being selfish. If the tables were turned I am sure she would be a better friend than I am. I am sorry.
My sister said that this is how I handle things. I run because I feel more than I should and sympathize with the person to an extreme where I end up being hurt. This is how I deal with death, not because I am cold hearted but the opposite, according to her.
I feel like I really let her down and I hope that she forgives my desire for self preservation. She has every right not to forgive me.
I don't understand death; I can't imagine what happens to the person when they are gone. One minute here, the next where? I need explanations for everything and there is no explanation for this. I believe that the soul continues its journey, but how I don't know. We are not supposed to know, knowing will bring us closure. The end of a life should be celebrated, I don't want anyone to cry or wear black when my day comes. I want them to wear colourful clothes and laugh and celebrate who I was, hopefully who I still am somewhere...
This brings me back to the fall and when the person I was dating at that time lost his mother. It was 2 weeks into the 'relationship' and it was a time when I was even more emotionally unstable. Now looking back, I can see that he had a need for my support and I let him down. In the week prior to the funeral I was always in touch with him, driving 200km in day to see him, go to work, see him again and finally go home. I thought that I was doing a lot, but now I think that it wasn't enough. I didn't know what my role was with him, was I a friend? Was I the girlfriend?
I didn't mention anything about going to the visitation and funeral because I wanted to try and avoid it. Honestly, I didn't think that he wanted me there. It is a family and close friends type of event and I didn't feel like I fit in either of those groups. The night before the visitation he asked me if I was going as if it was something that I didn't need an invitation for...
I went as late as possible because I had never gone to something like this and was truly trying to avoid it. I sat in the back; my eyes fixated on his mother, my hands in tight fists, nails digging into my skin while the rest of my body was frozen. I couldn't get up; I couldn't walk to the front because I simply shut down.
I talked to him when he came around; I waited for him after it was over. While waiting I tried to be invisible, I tried to imagine myself anywhere but there.
All I could think about was that if it was me, I wouldn't be able to leave the funeral home; I wouldn't be able to leave my mother.
He picked a fight with me that night, he said we were incompatible. I acted foolish as I ran out. I called the next afternoon and apologized even though there was nothing to apologize for as I hadn't done anything. I though the anger was just directed towards me because he had to let it out somehow.
The next day was the funeral; I didn't go because I had to work. I had a lot to finish at work because the following day I was going on a 4 day trip to New York City with my best friend. A trip planned and paid for long before this.
I was thankful to have this escape because the situation was driving me insane. It was too heavy for me to deal with and I had to run. Everyone I talked to told me that I was doing the right thing for myself. Most people said that they would have stayed away from the whole situation instead of being there like I was. I thought that I had done a lot and now had to get away save my own skin.
I can say right now looking back that it was a childish to run away. I should have been stronger; I should have stayed back and made sure I provided the support that was needed.
It is too late now to change things and to tell you that I am sorry.
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